AND THE WINNER IS... IRAQ WAR!
Iraq named "War of the Year"!
Mark Morford, one of the best satirical journalists weighs in on the BEST OF 07, naming IRAQ, winner of BEST WAR OF 2007. The relentless passing of time, has no effects on this war,. Each year it enters History's Hall of Shame, without end as long as Bush/Cheney are at the helm. It's so agonizingly painful that Morford's column this time in '08 will read again,
Iraq named "War of the Year"! Bloody nation cheers 5th straight title. Bush will be speechlost and VP Dick Cheney, will utter "On behalf of myself and my boss who will both go down in history as two of the most insipid and deleterious world leaders you will ever have the displeasure of miserably recalling all your sad and pathetic days,"The many years of this calamitous, tragic war have been augural, each year’s outcome predictable, no crystal ball needed. And no matter how WE THE PEOPLE bang our heads against the wall to end it, all we come up with, is a collective BUMP on our anguished heads. thinkingblue
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Iraq named "War of the Year"! Bloody nation cheers 4th straight title. Afghanistan sulks. "I'm speechlost!" sniffled Bush
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Hot on the heels of Time magazine naming the Apple iPhone "Invention of the Year" and just as many newspapers, blogs and TV programs prepare to unleash their various "Top 10" and "Best Of" lists for 2007, comes the news that you, your ravaged and saddened heart, and the
world at large have all just awarded George W. Bush's disastrous, embarrassing,
profoundly disgusting occupation of Iraq "War of the Year," for the fourth
consecutive year.
"On behalf of myself and my boss who will both go down in history as two of
the most insipid and deleterious world leaders you will ever have the
displeasure of miserably recalling all your sad and pathetic days, I can only
say, who the f- are you people and how did you get past security?" snarled Vice
President Dick Cheney, from the side of his mouth, appearing in a ragged black
bathrobe with little pink hand grenades stitched all over it, and carrying a
shotgun. "Get off my lawn!"
"It is high honor to be even nominated," said the clearly touched,
bullet-riddled and violently hemorrhaging nation of Iraq, upon barely hearing
the news over the sounds of raging gunfire and explosions and all the screaming.
"To win once more, to now officially take place among most unnecessary, vile
and costly wars of all time, to permanently etch name of our tiny, underwhelming
nation into mind and heart and history of most powerful country in world despite
how most people on planet could not find Iraq on map prior to Bush reign of
idiocy, is honor not even Saddam himself could have ever dreamed," it added,
lifting what's left of its one shredded arm to wipe a tear from its one
remaining, half-blind eye, before fainting completely from the loss of blood.
Iraq's win, long considered the overwhelming choice to voters, came as no
surprise to at least a few U.S. states. "One word: rigged," sneered
California, alleged to be reeking with unpatriotic anti-American disgust from
all the hippies and the tofu and the George Clooney.
"Sure, watch me throw upwards of a trillion of everyone else's dollars, along
with thousands of young American lives, at a ragtag nation with no discernible
military, and then let me rape the Constitution, kill habeas corpus, mock the
United Nations, torture and maim and spread false fear like a disease, and I'll
win a little award too," it huffed, before lighting up a big doobie and sulking
off to sit on the beach to watch bits of plastic wash ashore from the
Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
Even Texas, busy lethally injecting prison inmates and shooting up the place
and dressing like it was prom night in 1989 and using so much goddamn hairspray
it makes the ozone wince, was less than complimentary. "Sumthin' ain't right
'bout this," muttered the lumbering, overfed state, between inhaling entire
buckets of deep-fried mozzarella cheese poppers and belching the fight song of a
local college football team.
"Oil prices is skyrockin' and it's costin' me over 100 buckaroos just to fill
the Expedition to drive to Taco Bell! I mean, come on, George! Stick a big, fat
oil pipe into Baghdad, aim it at our U.S. oil refineries, press the 'Suck'
button, and let's git the hell outta there!"
Finally reached for comment in his secret purple bathtub at his ranch in
Crawford, Texas, President Bush appeared to be so flabbergasted by the news of
Iraq's win that he actually stopped pushing all the small plastic submarines
around the water and making motorboat sounds for a full minute, so he could
gather his thoughts to try and speak.
"I been tryin' so hard, you know? (Sniffle.) I just ... I just always
believed we could do it! Dick and Turd Blossom told me if we just lied
about WMD and killed tons of people, God would see fit to write our names in the
Big Book of History! And it worked! You hear that, daddy? War of the Year! Will
you love me now?"
Not everyone was so upbeat. Upon hearing of yet another Iraq victory,
Afghanistan was, perhaps understandably, less than enthusiastic. "What a f-ing
sham," sighed Mullah Omar of Kandahar. "Iraq has nothing! No WMD! No nuke
program! Not as much easy oil as you think! Stupid tribal wars lasting forever
and ever! Saddam big fat joke! You dump $600 billion so far and this is what you
have to show? Sham, I say!
"Who has the real terrorists? Who has a
resurgent Taliban, raping women and beating kittens and
repressing all life and once again controlling the poppy production to make
yummy opium to sell to secretly gay U.S. Republican senators and megachurch
pastors at big discount? Who still has Osama bin Laden stored in bombed-out
Hyatt Regency parking garage in downtown Kabul? Afghanistan, that's who! What, I
say too much? Do not care! Iraq win a sham! Afghanistan is war of century!"
he screamed, waving his American-made rifle in the air. "Also: iPhone rules!"
Despite the general negative reaction, nothing could disguise the obvious
glee on the fat, pockmarked face of the parent of the Iraq War, the War on
Terror, who was once again breaking out the Champagne and killing innocent
civilians and torturing your intelligence and murdering all hope and tapping
your phone line and confiscating your water bottle at the airport in
celebration.
"I knew it! I knew my little baby had the goods! Who's the
stupid bitch now, hmm, California? Who's the illegal violation of international
U.N. treaty now, pacifist bitches? Eat my rotten Geneva Convention, France! War
of the Year! Yes! What's that you say? Half a million dead in the 'Darfur conflict'? So
what? Now, if they had some oil, maybe they'd be a competitor!"
However, while four consecutive "War of the Year" wins might seem impressive,
it's still a far cry from the all-time record.
"Goddamn whippersnappers today, don't know a real war from a hole in the
head!" muttered the cranky, thoroughly insane, wildly costly War on Drugs,
winner of the prize, off and on, a whopping 23 times since President Nixon
announced it in 1969.
"You want a war? I'll show you a goddamn war. I've seriously drained the
economies of a dozen major nations, ruined hundreds of thousands of lives and
packed American prisons to overflowing largely over bulls-
marijuana laws and three-strikes crapola.
"I deform cultures, misguide societies, regurgitate bogus propaganda by way
of everything from federal health departments to alarmist news programs to
dishonest school textbooks. I drip with brutal irony and hypocrisy in a hundred
different ways, cause serious pants-wetting in nearly every politician on the
planet, not a single one of whom has the balls to stand up to me and publicly
acknowledge what a total failure I am. I've cost America alone untold
billions over the years.
"And guess what? I'm still going strong! Still leeching from the tax base and
destroying lives and making mockery of reason and humanity. Ha! War on Iraq, my
bong-loving ass! The War on Drugs shoots a speedball of cocaine/heroin directly
into my eyeball in mockery! Now get the hell out of here. I need an Ambien and a
nap."
Meanwhile, upstart contenders for the highly sought-after prize appeared to
be merely biding their time. "We're aiming for 2008, maybe 2009," said one fiery
competitor. "It's just a matter of how many troops and how many billions you
silly Americans are insane enough to throw at us."
"'War of the Year' shall be ours very soon!" screamed a clearly overexcited
Iran.
Thoughts about this column? E-mail Mark.
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posted by thinkingblue at 11:04 AM
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