Saturday, October 03, 2009

Rep. Alan Grayson D-Fla, A Voice Of Reason

Rep. Alan Grayson D-Fla, A Voice Of Reason

Florida Representative Alan Grayson speaks for all of us who believe the Republicans are only responsive to Corporate Interests. They have shown time and again that "We The People" do not matter. Our only function is to keep the corporate world lucrative. The Health Care Reform debacle has exposed their greed to everyone except those who follow their creed, those who have been indoctrinated to blindly accept anything they have to offer as genuine and in their best interests; no questions are allowed. I swear the Republican Party and Religion are one and the same. thinkingblue

10 hot news items you might've missed




Damned atheists, quivering seamen, perverted iPods

by Mark Morford

Let's take it from the top, shall we?

1) Congressional Republicans are furious indeed that uppity Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) claimed, right there on the House floor and using a big piece of paper with large, clear letters they could actually read and everything, that the GOP's health care plan basically consists of hoping that sick people will just "die quickly."

Grayson has refused to apologize. The GOP is all aflutter.

"This is an outrage!" said some not-really-outraged Republican congressmen I'd normally name here, but I won't because he's basically an amalgam of a whole slew of them and doesn't actually exist, per se.

"It's a total lie!" he said anyway. "Republicans often love it when people suffer long, slow inexorable deaths, particularly if it serves our political purposes. Remember Terry Schiavo? Hell, we would've been happy to drag her tragically comatose body around for a good two or three more years if she hadn't been allowed to pass quietly and destroy our big media charade of fake indignation," he did not add, before being devoured by invisible sharks.

2) Top Pentagon officials are calling for an end to the U.S. military's historical ban on allowing women to serve in submarines. "I am very comfortable addressing integrating women into the submarine force," Admiral Gary Roughead, chief of naval operations, said in a statement, as we all acknowledge that yes, that really is his name.

"After all, what young, tough woman in her right mind wouldn't love to be stationed for many, many months deep inside the bowels of a submersible, claustrophobic, phallic-shaped military weapon stuffed like a testosterone Bratwurst with young, lonely, homoerotically supercharged seamen, most of whom haven't seen a real female since 2008 and aren't allowedto relieve any 'tension' except with each other, and therefore and have so much pent-up sexual energy that they spasm uncontrollably every time they pass a loaded missile tube?" Roughhead did not add. "Insert seamen joke here."

3) Acclaimed scholar, atheist, documentary film star, and godless hell-bound demonspawn Richard Dawkins has a new book, just in time for Christmas over at your religiously severe parents' house in Kansas, the one with the animated manger scene and the fervent prayers that Jesus will reappear riding on the back of a dinosaur to smite the heathens with a flaming sword and then have a beer and watch some NASCAR.

"The Greatest Show on Earth" is all about evolution, and the incredible mountains of irrefutable proof thereof, and how it's well past time that the non-argument regarding
evolution's veracity is put to rest. Of course, it's also a book that's about as likely to be read and comprehended by the various ignoramuses, the Bible literalists and Young Earthers and evolution deniers it effortlessly discredits as is an algebra textbook by Sarah Palin. But still.

4) Speaking of which, it turns out Sarah Palin's ghostwriter on the grammatical/intellectual nightmare that's surely going to be "Going Rogue" is, as you might've already guessed, not exactly a bastion of ideological balance and integrity herself.

Palin's ghostwriter, Lynn Vincent, also co-wrote a book with beloved white supremacist blogger Robert Stacy McCain (no relation).She also wrote an article championing creationism, Richard Dawkins be damned, and described abortion among minorities as "black genocide."

Vincent's contribution to Palin's cartoon legacy will likely be that "Going Rogue" sells a truckload of copies to the hardcore GOP base in the first week, and then quickly piles up in the $1.99 remainder bin in bookstores across the planet, where it will serve to embarrass the GOP for the next six to eight years straight.

5) Not to be outdone by news that the excellent new video recorder in the recently refreshed iPod nano is perfect for carefully strapping onto your shoe and walking around the schoolyard and furtively shooting pervy 'upskirt' videos of young Japanese girls, the Flip video corporation is reportedly working furiously not only to make its popular Mino recorder more hidden-in-my-shoe friendly, but also to feature a special "upskirt" film mode in its next model, replete with Panty Detector® auto-zoom sensors. "It's perfect for Justin Timberlake concerts!" Lynn-Ann Clemens, Flip's nonexistent VP of Marketing, did not exclaim, pervily.

6) Scientists have discovered about 850 mostly blind, pale creatures living deep underground in the Australian outback, with lots more to come.

The pallid, weak, delicate little creatures, collectively nicknamed "the GOP base," are both admired for their weird tenacity and also widely pitied for being so easily pulverized into goopy nothingness by the bright light of even a tiny hint of actual reality.

7) Remember when the Egyptian government so sagely ordered the slaughter of all the nation's pigs in a completely ignorant, Sarah Palin-grade effort to combat swine flu, even though swine flu isn't really transmitted by pigs? There has been a rather adorable, unfortunate consequence.

Turns out all those pigs used to eat much of the garbage so common to Egypt's streets, and now that the pigs are gone, the rancid refuse is piling up worse than ever. Meanwhile, the government is clueless and the people are increasingly furious. See? And you thought you had it rough dealing with the homeless dudes swiping all your glass bottles from the recycling bin.

And finally, a simply fine trio of happy, kid-related studies, a veritable trifecta of spurious, lousy news for confused parents who like to smoke, smack their babies around and eat too much candy. Shall we?

8) Study No 1: If you slap and spank your toddler when she's around one year old, she's far more likely to turn into a violent, aggressive, mentally impaired three-year-old Republican.

9) Study No. 2: If you smoke while pregnant, not only are you a complete idiot, your child is far more likely to develop symptoms of psychosis, like hallucinations and delusions (Hi, Glenn Beck!)

10) Study No. 3 wraps it all up in a sweet, if completely specious, little package, by suggesting that if your kid eats lots of candy every day,odds appear to be much better that he'll be arrested and go to prison later in life, presumably because he's already developed an addictive personality and Skittles are obviously a gateway drug to artisanal chocolate and anal sex and black tar heroin, which are themselves gateway drugs to becoming a full-on junkie, which will, in turn, make you a huge drag on the American health care system, in which case it would be much better for everyone if you'd just get it over with and die quickly. Thank you.




SICK OVER HEALTH CARE REFORM



Let's keep our heads, while we continue to
watch THE

THEATER OF THE ABSURD!!!
thinkingblue

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